El Jalapeño: Viva-Volaris merger promises to set new standards in passenger discomfort

MEXICO CITY — In a bold determination to “redefine what it means to endure successful the sky,” Volaris and Viva Aerobus announced plans this week to merge into a azygous airline, tentatively named Volaribus, with the explicit extremity of creating the astir agonizing formation acquisition known to humankind.

Executives from some airlines proudly unveiled their shared vision: “Why person immoderate discomfort erstwhile you tin person full despair?” said Volaris CEO Enrique Beltránena, unveiling a caller craft mock-up that features an awesome antagonistic 3 inches of legroom. “Passengers volition beryllium touching knees not lone with the idiosyncratic successful beforehand of them — but spiritually, with everyone connected board.”

For conscionable US $20 extra, customers tin bask the sensation of a freshly charged cattle prod to punctual them erstwhile they person reached their, uh, seat.

Among the announced innovations:

• Carry-on limits reduced to ‘one affectional load per person.’

• A US $7 interest for blinking excessively often during takeoff.

• New “Human Cargo” seating tiers wherever passengers are mildly stacked for maximum efficiency.

• Complimentary non-reclining seats made from compressed regret and recycled boarding passes.

• ⁠Volaribus’ seating configuration volition promote passengers to get to “know” 1 different intimately — possibly adjacent successful the biblical sense.

⁠Beltranena further boasted “We’ve done our homework, studying what Spirit Airlines successful the U.S. and Ryanair successful Europe has brought to those markets, and we are assured we are well-positioned to bash worse present successful Mexico. And God willing, much, overmuch worse.”

The merged hose besides teased its caller slogan: “Volaribus: Because You Deserve Worse.”

Volaribus has tapped an extracurricular consulting bureau to steer the motorboat of the caller hose — the aforesaid steadfast that guided Air Koryo, North Korea’s flagship airline, done a palmy rebranding with unprecedented 110% rider support ratings antecedently unheard of successful the question industry.

Industry analysts are already calling the merger a milestone successful aviation history. “They’ve recovered untapped imaginable successful quality misery,” said question adept Ana Ruiz. “By the clip you land, you’ll person paid $600 successful hidden fees and mislaid religion successful formation arsenic a concept.”

In an unexpected twist, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary publically congratulated the caller airline, admitting helium felt “a deep, nonrecreational jealousy.”

“I’ve spent decades trying to person customers they should basal during flights and wage other to breathe,” O’Leary said. “But these guys — these beauteous bastards — are taking cheapness to levels adjacent I can’t legally achieve. I salute them.”

As a closing statement, the companies promised that each outgo savings would spell straight toward expanding enforcement bonuses and installing adjacent smaller tray tables.

“We’re not conscionable merging airlines,” said Viva Aerobus spokesperson Ricardo Bastón. “We’re merging pain, efficiency, and a concern exemplary built connected rider tears.”

Shares successful the ADO and ETN autobus networks were up 8% and 12%, respectively, connected the heels of the Volaribus’ announcement.

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